WOULD YOU RATHER BE RIGHT...OR BE HAPPY?
The Fatal Addiction: Obsessed with Being Right
The desire to be right is such a strong drive in humans. Sometimes I wonder if there
isn't a little control room in the brain that has been there since the dawn of
civilization, that is as primal as the fight-or- flight mechanism. It's this "fight
to be
right" syndrome that has contributed to wars abroad and battles at home. Some of us
have it more than others, but all of us have at one time have found ourselves
entrencehd in a position hanging on to an argument, or choosing to martyr ourselves
in defense of an opinion.
Not only has this fight-to-be-right syndrome caused untold suffering in the world, it
is the cause of many arguments between ourselves and those we love. Think back on
a recent fight or argument you had with someone. Was there also a determination to
win, perhaps at the cost of kindness? Were you willing to use harsh words or a
tough tone of voice in defense of your position? Was being right more important
than even the point you were making? If you said "yes" to any of these
questions, it
is a good opportunity to examine your "fight-to-be-right" state of mind.
Here's a little snippet of a conversation tbetween Susie and Mark that shows how
easily the desire to be right can take over and blow loving feelings right out the
window.
SUSIE: Mark, honey, the sink is stopped up again...
MARK: Again! What did you do? You poured hamburger grease down the drain
again, didn't you?
SUSIE: You didn't fix it like I asked you to! I bet you just used a plunger. You didn't
really clear the pipes like I asked....
MARK: (interrupting) I told you not to pour grease down the drain! Now you have
sink full of greasy dishes! Look at this mess!
SUSIE: Well, if you had just really fixed the drain instead of being lazy and just
using a plunger...
By now they are in a full bown argument. Neither Susie or Mark wants to admit that
they are wrong -- and so they will fight to the death to prove that they are right. This
argument would never even begin if Susie could just say, "You're right, I forgot and
poured hamburger grease down the drain again. Would you please help me clear the
drain?"
Or if Mark could have said, "You're right. I thought just using the plunger would
take care of it, and I hate using those chemicals."
In the heat of the moment, the last thing we want to do is admit we might have made
a mistake. But in the long run it is so much easier to just say so and not engage in a
"do-or-die" battle to be right.
Try any of these simple four steps the next time you see and argument beginning to
heat up. Ask yourself:
* AM I WANTING TO BE RIGHT IN THIS SITUATION?
* COULD I LET GO OF THE FEELING OF WANTING TO
FIGHT-TO-BE-RIGHT?
* COULD I SIMPLY ADMIT MY ERROR, AND THEN ASK FOR WHAT I
NEED?
* COULD I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY INSTEAD OF "DEAD RIGHT"?
These four steps could change the quality of your life permanently. You might find
that peace and harmony feel even better than being right. The satisfaction of
winning an argument is often short lived. If it wasn't, why would we constantly be
driven to repeat the process of proving ourselves right? Being right is like an
addictive drug. You always need more of it in order to feel satisfied. But the feeling
of peace and harmony that comes from surrendering this primitive drive to be right
can lead to a lifetime of joy in your personal relationships.
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Excerpted (with author's permission)
from: "Loving Solutions" To order your autographed copy of "Loving Solutions" please send a check for $12 (USA) to: Love Life Radio 3831 Monterey Drive Penthouse `A' Honolulu, Hawaii 96816-3919 USA |
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