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Seven Tips for Fighting Fair

If Love was Easy then Everyone Would be Doing it!

By Angelina

Author of "Loving Solutions"

See ordering information at bottom of the page

"Seven Tips For Fighting Fair"

We all want love in our lives. Some of us don't know how to get it, and some of us have trouble keeping the Love in our love lives. We learn many things in school, but one course they don't teach us is how to love well.

The good news is there are some pracxtical techniques that can help you keep your love alive. Let's start by unloading a few myths about love. First; all is not fair in love and war. Learning how to fight fair when it comes to those day-to-day issues that go hand-in-hand with living and loving together can make all the difference in the world.

Most therapists agree that arguing is a sign of a healthy relationship. The issue is how you fight. Let's sneak a peek at a conversation as Doris comes back from the grocery store and she and Don fall into an old destructive pattern of "The Escalating Argument".

DAN: "You didn't get the half & half again, did you?"

DORIS: Oh! No...I went to get the cleaning and I had to get gas, and I just ran in
for a few things, and I..."  Dan doesn't even want to hear her finish. This is not the first time. He starts pulling things out of the grocery bag.

DAN:Why do you always forget my half & half! Look, you got shampoo, and your favorite soda, and your cookies! You're just like your mother; only thinking of  herself!!

DORIS: I didn't know you were out of half & half. Why do you always expect me to read your mind?! I picked up your cleaning, didn't I?! If you hadn't left the tank empty... like you always do... I would have had a few dollars left!

Doris opens the freezer and sees the ice cream is all gone. She steams. DORIS: Why do you always finish the ice cream?! You never once think of replacing it! Talk about selfish -- buster, you wrote the book!!

Instant escalation. Doris and Dan are now in a major argument. They've long forgotten about the half & half and a simple solution to that specific problem. They are knee-deep in every issue of their relationship and about to ruin their weekend. Doris and Dan could use these...SEVEN TIPS FOR FIGHTING FAIR

1. STICK TO THE ISSUE. DON'T DRAG IN EVERY ISSUE YOU CAN THINK OF.
   
2. DISCIPLINE YOURSELF TO STAY WITH PRESENT ISSUES. IT'S BEST TO HANDLE ONE PROBLEM AT A TIME BEFORE YOU DRAG IN A LIST OF PAST RESENTMENTS.
   
3. SAY WHAT YOU FEEL, WHEN YOU FEEL IT, RATHER THAN STORING UP A LONG LIST OF GRIEVANCES. 
   
4. WHENEVER YOU GENERALIZE BY USING WORDS LIKE, "You always...You never ...Why do you...Why can't you... You should do it this way...You shouldn't..." THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS -- THEY ARE THE PERFECT SET-UP FOR A LONG, DRAWN-OUT FIGHT.
5. NO THREATENING ALLOWED! EITHER VERBAL OR PHYSICAL. IF YOU ARE IN A SITUATION WHERE THERE IS VIOLENCE -- GET OUT AND GET HELP!
   
6. INSTEAD OF BLAMING, NAME-CALLING, OR CRITICIZING YOU PARTNER'S CHARACTER TRAITS, STATE YOUR NEEDS AS SPEIFIC REQUESTS FOR DIFFERENT BEHAVIOR.
7. SET YOURSELF A GOAL TO WORK TOWARD RESOLUTION. CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE TO NOT ESCALATE THE FIGHT. LOOK FOR SOLUTIONS WHERE THERE ARE NO LOSERS. WHEN IT COMES TO LOVE, BOTH PEOPLE CAN WIN. 

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Updated:  Monday, January 04, 1999 07:56 PM

Created by cg a.k.a *Webmistress*  :-)

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