WHAT ARE WE ARGUING ABOUT?
What's Underneath Those Chronic Fights?
I have a saying, "If love was easy -- everyone would do it!" It's the one thing
we all say we want in our lives, but it's easier said than done! In the honeymoon phase of
new romance, most of us don't need to consult the instruction manual. But when it comes to
long-term relationships, most of us are like old VCR's flashing 12:00 endlessly. Ask any
couple who has been together for more than a year and, (if they are honest,) they'll admit
there are some potholes in the road of love. We know where they are and we hit them every
time.
In relationship terms, they are the chronic arguments that just don't seem to go away. If
you've ever found yourself in one of these stalemate situations,, there are a couple of
tips that can lead you back to smooth, paved roads. The first tip is to ask yourself,
"Is the thing that we're arguing about really the issue at all?"
This simple question can save you years of going down the same bumpy roads.
Let's peek in as Rocky and Tina think they are talking to each other, but are really
talking ateach other.
TINA: My sister's husband is taking her to Las Vegas.
ROCKY: He loves to throw away money. That's why your sister is always mooching off you.
TINA: But at least he takes special time to be with her. HE takes her onnice vacations,
they see shows...
ROCKY: The guy is a real deadbeat! Every time he scores one real estate deal, he blows it
all -- to compensate for all the times he hasn't had two cents to rub together.
TINA: At least he wants to rub something together.
ROCKY: Oh! And what's that supposed to mean?
TINA: You're about as romantic as a wet rug!
If this scene wasn't so painful to the people in it, it would be funny. It's like one of
those games, "Find out how many issues are hidden (and not so hidden) in Rocky and
Tina's argument." There are at least seven different issues bothering them. Some are
said outright, some are implied,
but you can imagine how difficult it is to get to the bottom of any one of them when they
are all lumped together and hurled at the high speed of a typical argument.
There are a lot of myths about arguing, like the one about, "Nice girls don't get
angry" or "Real men don't give in." Or that anger ignored will simply go
away. Or that happy couples don't argue. Ask yourself,
"What are my attitudes about arguing?" Do these beliefs help you or get in the
way when it comes to trying to resolve issues in the relationship?
It's important to remember that the issue that you think you're upset about may not be the
issue at all. For instance, here are some common arguments that appear to be about one
issue but may truly be about another issue entirely. Your list maybe different, but these
are some ideas
to help you get out of the rut of unproductive arguments.
* Arguing about MONEY is rarely about money. It's about POWER issues.
* Arguing about SEX is rarely about sexuality. It's about INTIMACY.
* Arguing about household CHORES is rarely about chores. Its about
FAIRNESS.
* Arguing about the KIDS is rarely about the kids. It's about CONTROL.
* Arguing about JEALOUSY is rarely about fidelity. It's about
MATURITY.
* Arguing about WORK is rarely about the work. It's about TIME.
* Arguing about RELATIVES is rarely about them. It's about
EXPECTATIONS.
Explore your own chronic arguments and find out what's really underlying the issues for
your self and your partner. If we're ever going to learn how to fight fair, we have to
start by talking about the real issues that are bothering us. And most importantly,
Keep on lovin'!
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Excerpted from: "Loving
Solutions" To order your autographed copy of "Loving Solutions" please send a check for $12 (USA) to: Love Life Radio 3831 Monterey Drive Penthouse `A' Honolulu, Hawaii 96816-3919 USA |
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